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What I can live with...
Thank you all for your birthday wishes. Now I ask for your prayers. Some major things have erupted at my workplace, and I find myself "pondering my options".
The day before my birthday, I had a very difficult meeting. I felt blindsided and disrespected in a profound way and worse, there was every evidence that this sort of treatment might well recur--in fact, be the new gold standard of relationship.
After a poor night's sleep, I woke up 60 years of age. In the morning, the usual routine: a responsive poemlet online, a short b'day announcement and some saying hello to fellow bloggers. At work, I placed a phone call in the morning to my umbrella group, the group with whom I spent a training weekend recently in Toronto--they are a lifeline, a supportive community. I was given some very, very good advice, which I followed. It felt a lot better afterward, but I still had the sense that this whole thing is far from over.
It was to be a long day at work: owing to a yearly event my workplace puts on, I was not to finish work before 9 that night. I felt about as festive as a piece of rock. But very humanly angry and rather feisty, which can take one a certain distance, done right.
I'm of pensionable age. It would take one month of earning no wages and then application. Wouldn't be much and it would take some juggling to live on this, but not an impossibility.
I had given my word to work the event and, after working the day, hitched a ride with a colleague and helped out at the event. My heart was not in it: I felt "dark".
At 7:30 PM, I asked Joyce if she was ready to go home. She was, and we went. Many times over this weekend, I have mentally rehearsed a conversation that is inevitable within the next couple of days. It may result in a new life situation: retirement. It may not, but my trust and sense of belonging have taken a profound beating in the last few days, and they are not easily recovered. Maybe the "r" word is simply deferred for a short period of time.
I will have a five-day weekend over Easter. Palm Sunday/Easter are the two most difficult days for me in my faith path, involving as they do theologies and belief sets that I can't accept. Today, at Palm Sunday, I still felt as festive as a piece of rock, but was part of everything--I sang things I don't accept and sang things I do. There is a balance, there, somewhere.
Frankly, whatever the season, I needed that community of prayer and belief. I needed the shared brokenness and understanding of forces greater than ourselves, and acknowledging of darkness afoot.
This Easter, I will be either pondering my options in depth, or preparing for a sudden retirement. What complicates matters incredibly is that this is year-end (fiscal), and many things hang in the balance, things about to be put together and started up. Some wonderful new beginnings are possible. I am needed there in the worst way, and I hate to bail in the midst of the busiest season of the year. But there are things I can live with, and things I can't. Either way, it's a struggle.
3 Comments:
I'll be lifting you up in prayer.
Praying here too Peter.
Sending you wishes for courage and serenity.
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